So.
I’m an imperfect person, and the correct way to phrase that sentence is: I’m a person. This isn’t a new concept, which is honestly why we still need to talk about it. It becomes easier the more we talk about it, or it at least feels that way.
These days, I like who I am. I’m braver than I thought I was, I’m growing on aspects I assumed I’d never have. In many ways, I’m everything the past me was jealous of. In other ways, I”m everything the past me would have hated, and I’m completely happy disappointing him.
Because past me could be a sad sack of shit. Past me would let things just happen to him, past me didn’t have a backbone, past me was a push-over, past me was angry. Past me was not a terrible person, past me was just, at times, a jerk. Simply because he was too meek to want to grow.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that I was not a terrible person, just a guy who let bad luck rule him and wasn’t ready to do what really mattered, wasn’t ready to grow from experiences. So, yes, of course I did things I am well and truly sorry for. While terrible wasn’t the right work, annoying sure was. Evasive, cowardly, foolish, loud. There are plenty of reasons I understand people who used to know me drifted away from me, and while I’ve learned from those mistakes, I don’t blame any of them. Most people stayed okay with me, but I don’t doubt anyone who was fed up with me.
Animator Ralph Bakshi had a saying about apologies. It’s a great quote, it’s in his book, that like a dumbass I left at my parent’s house so, I can’t direct quote I’m just going to try and remember it.
“You don’t say you’re sorry because you hurt someone’s feelings, you say your sorry because you made a mistake.”
I used to hate that quote, I didn’t understand it. Now, after years of growth, I understand it. It may be wrong to hurt someone’s feelings, but a simply sorry fixes nothing and helps no one. When you’re ready to apologize, it’s because you’re ready to promise you’ve learned from the experience.
So, simply put. To everyone back in my younger days. I am sorry I was a dick. I mean it. I’m sorry I was loud, I’m sorry I was annoying, I’m sorry I tried too hard and in the wrong way. I’m sorry for every single occasion I let my own sadness and emptiness and anger override simple decision making. I am not that person anymore. I never will be again. I am sorry, I swear it on every fiber of my being. And I’m okay if you couldn’t care less, if you couldn’t give a shit that I’m different. If you don’t care, I won’t either, I’m not going to fix something I can’t, I’m just going to do smart and let everyone stay happy.
Everything I regret, I used to let it eat up inside me. I let it stand as an example of what I was, that I was never truly any better than a previous action I was ashamed of. Grand or simple.
I was once told by my high school drama teacher that you should not regret. These days, I half agree. You do regret, you regret when you remember it, but you never let it rule you. You never let it mean you are still that person.
Some regrets are simple. There’s a Red Robin near my area, I discovered it my last year of school and forgot to go. I regretted not being able to check it out. Earlier this month, I found my way there. Dumb, simply regrets are things you undo. I can’t regret not doing what I have now finally done.
The regrets you can’t undo, the regrets that actually matter, you learn from them. You show yourself you’ll never do it again, the lesson you shouldn’t have learned was learned. You’re only as terrible as the next guy.
I may be sorry, I may be regretful, one thing I’m not is shallow. I know I’m better than my past, and I planned on proving it every day of my life since then. There’s a lot to be proud about, there’s just also a lot to look back on with no fondness, and I think it’s better that way.
You can either wallow in what you think you are, or go to your grave proving you’re better than that.