There was once a video game that people called Naughty Bear. They all called it that because that was the name it had been given by the people who created and named it. This game with the naughtiest of teddy bears was a stealth game, where you had a specific target you had to eliminate in any way you felt, and unlike other stealth games where you needed to be silent as possible, this game rewarded players more when they did their best to leave no witnesses. You were a surprisingly tragic agent of chaos in a world of stuff and fluff, angry at how everyone you know completely hates your guts to the point of bullying and sometimes outright death threats, and the game ended up critically panned by thousands of people. However, as unbelievable as it is that someone could disagree with other people's opinions, there are people out there who played the game and decided it was fairly average and could have their fun with it, and now one of those a-holes is about to tell you a list of ten things you can do in the game. Yes, I am telling you them, not writing them down and asking you to read them. That is how a blog works.
Number 10: Play Naughty Bear
In the video game Naughty Bear, you play as the character Naughty Bear as you play the video game Naughty Bear. Therefore, the number 10 thing you can do in the game Naughty Bear, is play Naughty Bear.
Number 8: Drive other bears insane
While you could just straight up kill any bear whose back was turned to you, you could also scare them by saying boo like you were three years old. They could also be scared by witnessing your carnage, and when scared enough, they would go crazy, and one further boo could cause them to commit suicide by inhaling so hard they became balloons and exploded. Somehow.
Number 9: Knives
Because knives, are weapons.
Number 7: Break shit
You can finally live out your Hollywood gangster fantasies by walking over to someone else's shit and breaking it for no real reason. Some things would be repaired, making them a trap for the bears because they have no sense of danger when they are focused on something. Others didn't do a Goddamn thing except give you more points. To fully appreciate Naughty Bear you really had to go out of your way to punch the fuck out of a stone statue of a unicorn-teddy-bear hybrid. Break all the shit. No shit gets unbroken.
Number 6: Realize the gun mechanics in the game kinda suck
Once you finally enter a level with guns, you realize how easy it is for the enemy bears to pump you full of lead, and then when you get your hands on them, the aiming is bullshit and the damage is somehow pathetic. Also why does a stealth game lack silencers for their guns?
Number 5: Forget that there was a much better sequel
Naughty Bear: Panic in Paradise was released sometime after as a download only title that was cheaper and lacked online multiplayer, which was weird as it used to be the law that all video games needed a shitty online multiplayer implemented that no one fucking played anyway. They also changed up the formula to prevent you from being bored by doing exactly the same thing every time, had graphics that worked very well for the style, was a lot more fun, made you never have to use guns because the developers went into the future and realized me and only me complained about how shitty they were, and ended up just plain being a good game that managed to get good reviews. And nobody fucking played it anyway because nobody knew it existed despite the first game being infamous. I am going to believe in a conspiracy theory that a select cult of people worked together to erase the sequel from people's collective memory after the first game reminded them of how evil they could be if they felt like it. .............. Because it makes as much sense as any of those fucking shit-ass half-baked theories I keep hearing from people who are so far up their own ass they throw the fuck away anything they've actually seen just to come up with some ludicrous bullshit so they don't have to ever think about facing reality and how uncomplicated and straightforward it is so they can live in fucking fantasy land instead of contributing to society-
Number 4: Bananas
There are no bananas in Naughty Bear, however, you can eat a banana while you play Naughty Bear, so therefore bananas are the fourth top thing you can do in Naughty Bear. It mostly got up this high because I forgot I was going to do this joke.
Number 3: Watch this creepy trailer for the sequel.
Because holy shit it's creepy as much as it is funny.
http://www.505games.com/games/naughty-bear
The other thing that makes it a top ten qualifier is that the ad reminds us of the existence of Panic in Paradise, which makes those theorists, who don't exist and who I made up, have been given the middle finger. Which is good. I mean, come on, the poor game didn't even get a Best Picture nomination. :(
Number 2: Be sad that the game's official site no longer exists.
The url would have been http://www.naughtybearthegame.com/ so use that if you want your little heart broken. Unless it becomes a porn site or something, which wouldn’t suprise me with a domain name like Naughty Bear. …… Yeah you know what don’t click on it it’ll probably become a porn site or something actually bad like a Trojan virus site or a third-party candidates campaign page!
Yet somehow the multiplayer still works. I got the multiplayer trophies in the game just a couple of weeks ago, so they at least paid one server fee, that's nice of them. (It’s currently 2019 as I tidy things up and I think the multiplayer is still available today as well. Genuinely pleasantly shocked the devs care that much)
Number 1: Shove a teddy bear's head in a toilet
You cannot beat the classics, but Naughty can beat the ever-loving shit out of his prey with an open toilet. Some of which are in the kitchen because piss, shit, and uneaten food work wonders together. The newest Hitman game lets you do that to, but not nearly as often and this game came first anyway so who cares? Because I don't.
And those were the top ten things that you can do in a video game people don't really care all that much about. An in-depth description of how to beat every level will appear on this blog never, because I was an asshole who unlocked a costume to hide in plain site and beat the game with it, so my strategy is too cheap for you to care. May your bears be naughty, may you play Naughty Bear, and remember one thing;
http://www.505games.com/games/naughty-bear
Where the hell is the rest of this picture? Naughty's poor little featsies.